God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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