You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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