You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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