I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
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the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
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Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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