I wish I could punch you in the face.
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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