i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
