He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
