you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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