My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
