i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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