The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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