I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Randomize
