Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
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HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
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I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
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