her vagine was all disorganized.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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