How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Randomize
