dude i'm inner monologue high
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Randomize
