May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
