I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
