Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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