a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Did I show you my penis last night?
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
