happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
