Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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