I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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