Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Cover your peen. We're going out.
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