Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
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