I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
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i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
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Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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