i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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