I'm going to rape someone's good day.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
