He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
