I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
