What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
