Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
