my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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