1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
