I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
