I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting