Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
27 Common Occurrences Everyone Can Relate To But No One Talks About
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
21 People Intentionally Did Despicable Things During Sex
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.