craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
19 Characteristics That Make People Instantly Attractive
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
25 People Confess What They’re Shamefully Attracted To
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU