I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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