When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
It's not a walk of shame if you run
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
