i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
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They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
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(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
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