I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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