I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
