u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
someone threw a dead crab at me
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
