I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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