You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
