god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
