I can't breathe out the right side of my face
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
