so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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