Old men and throwing up are my life now.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Randomize
