from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
It's shark week go big or go home
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
