You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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