I wish my penis had an off switch
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
i just made my gag reflex go away.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
