i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
