Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
