He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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