I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
