I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
