just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
