I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
