There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
