Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
