awww and there was just a proposal on stage with the pussycat dolls !!!!!
Did someone propose they get off the stage?
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
